The Katanas of Righteousness

The time eventually came to leave Haines and my second companion behind. My new companion, Elder Vankampen, waited with Elder W's new companion at the mission office; the four of us were the only elders there because Elder W had failed to arrange suitable transportation and we arrived a half hour late. Elder W and his new companion departed at once, leaving Elder Vankampen and I alone to wait for our ride. During that time, Elder Vamkampen asked if I minded that he brought his set of katana swords along. I was still new at this whole missionary thing and agreed. Sword were normal, right?

Trying to fill the time, I asked if he knew how to use them. I'm not sure what answer I was expecting, but he informed me without a trace of guile on his face that a group of monks in Idaho's Sawtooth Mountains had trained him in the lost arts of swordplay.

"Huh," I said. 

Over the next few months, Elder Vankampen would inform me that he had not fewer that three girls try (without success, of course) to have sex with him before he left on his mission; that one day while we were tracting he saw a group of topless cheerleaders that conveniently fled before I could look; that he had been a member of a Wiccan coven (who spelled their name "Wicken," by the way) and had briefly possessed the arcane ability to manipulate elemental energy; and that he had been a state champion swimmer and a finalist nationally. One of his other companions shared with me later that Vamkampen had claimed to have had a vision of Jesus while sitting on the toilet. 

There were less flagrant things as well; one day during our morning study time we came to a disagreement on the pronunciation of a certain Book of Mormon name.

"It's Amlici," I insisted, pronouncing it "AM-lih-sigh."

"Nope," he said with that  tone that suggested he were correcting some delightful four-year-old who wanted to tell him the color blue was actually orange. "It's 'AM-lih-ki.' "

I pointed to the prononciation guide in the back of the Book of Mormon, which had been compiled by an early Apostle and renowned scholar, Elder James E. Talmage. "This thing says 'Am-li-sigh.' "

Elder Vamkampen shrugged. "There's a guy in my ward who's studied this, and he's pretty sure it's a k sound."

Silly me.